


Lager: The Only Thing That Can Kill a Twilight

by Quinara



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comic), Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, crackfic, mockfic, series iv, twangel, twuffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-11
Updated: 2010-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-08 20:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/79437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinara/pseuds/Quinara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something suspiciously pornified shows up on the long range scanners, just after Mini!Lister defeats the vindaloo beast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lager: The Only Thing That Can Kill a Twilight

While Lister finished eating the dead curry monster off the floor, the others could only watch in a strange mixture of disgust and awe, until suddenly Holly appeared on her screen.

"Picking up something strange on the long range scanners. Calling red alert. Red alert!"

"What is it?" Rimmer asked, while the Cat looked around at the completely unaffected corridor, strangely still expecting some sort of siren.

Holly frowned. "I'm trying to get a visual, but all I can see is the porn you loaded on my vidscreen last night."

"Oh, sir," Kryten butted in. "I was saving those tissues for the next time we watched Casablanca..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Rimmer protested, straightening his uniform. "I may have indulged in a few favourite examples from French film-bleu movement, but none deserve so smutty a title as..."

"Astro-Tits and her Space Shuttle Adventures?" Holly began to reel off the titles still in her admittedly limited memory. "Rocky the Rocket in the Terra Incognita? It's all here..."

Rimmer continued to protest, but in the meantime the Cat made his way into the cockpit caught sight of something truly hideous. "Oh, yeuch!" he cried out, shielding his eyes.

For there, in front of the ship, was possibly the most ugly sight a cat could ever see: two humans going at it, their bodies lacking all grace and not looking so dissimilar from gnomes. He covered his eyes. "Oh, great mother, make it stop!"

Apparently his cries were loud enough to bring the others running, or maybe they all needed a distraction from the thought of Rimmer with his porn. "Oh my," Kryten said, before Lister, still small and superhuman, came running in behind them.

"Who the hell is that smegger?" Lister squeaked, after a distinctly curry-flavoured belch. "And why has he got a tattoo of a lobster on his back?"

"I believe that is an angel, sir," Kryten replied. "A messenger of God in the Judeo-Christian tradition."

"Well, he could kindly move his backside out of the way of the ship," said Rimmer at last. "Or turn around so we could see whoever owns those legs around his waist."

"Just get them outta here!" cried the Cat, as the body started to thrust - though of course, with no air resistance or surface to push against, this mostly resulted in a wiggle. "I think I'm gonna die!"

"It's all right, Cat," Lister promised, pulling forward another can of lager he'd brought with him and shaking it mightily above his head. "I'm the man for this!"

And then, with the most terrifying of tiny war cries, Lister released the ringpull on the lager, spraying it at the window and obscuring the horrifying sight from view.

"Full speed ahead, Holly," Rimmer commanded with a shudder, worried what they would see when the froth had faded away.

"Setting course for the next moon," Holly confirmed. "I think you'll like this one; it's called Twilight."

Little did they know the _real_ horrors that awaited them...


End file.
